I came to a huge realization tonight that I know many struggle with. I had been walking for the last 3 months feeling confident as I was advancing ground in one spiritual battle and was blind to the fact that I was losing ground on a different spiritual battle. That is right we face spiritual battles every day, some of them are very small and easy to stand strong and win the battle. Other spiritual battles are sneaky like guerrilla fighters in a battle somewhere in South America.
In the battle I was making headway, I was constantly in prayer and I kept repeating and declaring everything that God had told me about the situation. Now this battle is very personal since it has to do with my Mother who has Alzheimer’s. Every time I would face a new issue I would pull out my bible and journal. I would start to pray and then hunt for the things that God had told me about her situation months ago. I would continually make declarations as I went about my daily tasks. Standing strong and celebrating my victories big or small. But I had failed to realize that another struggle I was having was really a spiritual battle that was attacking from the flank. I had left myself unprotected and vulnerable because I was so focused on the huge battle in regards to my Mother.
What was even more frustrating for me is that it was starting to become clear to me two weeks ago, but I did not dig further to ask Holy Spirit what lies I was believing about myself. Oh that can be really scary at times to ask. I went far enough to say yeah I was being attacked by the enemy, but now I am good. Boy that was another lie, I was believing. I let this go unchecked and my insecurities started to surface. I was even to the point where I was questioning whether to stay involved with our Church Youth Group. The first step is recognizing the spiritual attack, step two is taking action against the spiritual attack. I had failed to take action other that saying yeah I was having a spiritual battle.
Let me elaborate a little more. The back story is that I lived most of my life feeling very insecure in who I was. I always believed that I did not belong, that I did not know how to talk to people, I did not have anything in common with people, that no one would or should like me. I know it really sounds sad and pathetic. These things all came from my parents saying I did not measure up, moving a lot in school and so never really making many friends, and not having Jesus in my life. This is how I lived my life for most of my 50 plus years, these lies helped contribute to failed marriages and relationships.
But things started to change back in 2009 when I met my current husband. He encouraged me and he saw things in me that I did not see. Then as we grew in our walk with the Lord, I became more confident. But the real breakthrough happened back in 2015 when we found our current church. I started to step out in faith, even though I was uncomfortable and did not think I would fit in. My confidence grew as I started to make friends with different people at the church. I even would tell people how I found freedom from shyness and insecurities. I walked in confidence and I found out that I belonged and I could relate to people. But even though I walked in confidence I would still have battles every once in a while trying to convince me that I did not belong. However, in 3 years I had held my ground always going to God when the attacks came.
Then just like that Holy Spirit says it is time to quit working so I can be there for my Mother. Yes, I was obedient and quit trusting God in all things. I walked with bold confidence as I found out that she was getting worse and pressed into God when I hit roadblocks. When her legal affairs were no longer in order, I prayed and made declarations of Gods goodness and that Gods promises are always yes and amen. Papa God is so good, and he will not forsake us. When he makes promises to us he will always keep them. We must learn to be patient and to hold on to our faith and the truth that is written in our bibles. I know you think ok so you have it all together, but no I did not.
The stronger I was in the battle to get things setup for my Mother, to eventually move her to live with me, the more I became insecure believing that the students in our youth group would no longer need me. I had lost my confidence with them, and I thought I had lost my connection with them. The lies were coming at me non-stop. Things such as you are not needed anymore, the students no longer want to be around you, you have nothing to offer the students. I even skipped going to Winter Camp with them because I felt they would not need me.
Then last night at youth the truth hit me hard and furious. Our wonderful Youth Pastor got up and spoke about how she had to battle with insecurities while at Winter Camp. As I listened to her, it was like she was speaking directly to me. I heard Holy Spirit saying that is right, you need to remember who you are. You are a child of God, a beautiful and wonderful daughter. You were created to breath new life and to plant seeds in the lives of these students. You were created to show them love with no boundaries. I suddenly realized that I had been so focused on other things happening that I had almost missed something that was just as important. I realized that I needed to spend some quality time with God and break off agreements that I had made with the enemy. I realized that I needed to start speaking life and truth into this part of my life as well.
Sometimes we can feel so confident because of how well we are handling one battle that we are blindsided that there is another battle happening at the same time. For me it was my personal insecurities. What battles might be going on in your own life that you have been blindsided about and unknowingly been agreeing with lies from the enemy? I hope that this helps encourage others in those battles we all face day-to-day.